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He says 〃Shure〃 and 〃Bedad〃 and in moments of exultation
〃Beghorra。〃 That is all the Irish he knows。
He is very poor； but scrupulously honest。 His great ambition is to
pay his rent； and he is devoted to his landlord。
He is always cheerful and always good。 We never knew a bad
Irishman on the stage。 Sometimes a stage Irishman seems to be a bad
mansuch as the 〃agent〃 or the 〃informer〃but in these cases it invariably
turns out in the end that this man was all along a Scotchman； and thus
what had been a mystery becomes clear and explicable。
The stage Irishman is always doing the most wonderful things
imaginable。 We do not see him do those wonderful things。 He does
them when nobody is by and tells us all about them afterward： that is
how we know of them。
We remember on one occasion； when we were young and somewhat
inexperienced； planking our money down and going into a theater solely
and purposely to see the stage Irishman do the things he was depicted as
doing on the posters outside。
They were really marvelous； the things he did on that poster。
In the right…hand upper corner he appeared running across country on
all fours； with a red herring sticking out from his coat…tails； while far
behind came hounds and horsemen hunting him。 But their chance of
ever catching him up was clearly hopeless。
To the left he was represented as running away over one of the wildest
and most rugged bits of landscape we have ever seen with a very big man
on his back。 Six policemen stood scattered about a mile behind him。
They had evidently been running after him； but had at last given up the
pursuit as useless。
In the center of the poster he was having a friendly fight with
seventeen ladies and gentlemen。 Judging from the costumes； the affair
appeared to be a wedding。 A few of the guests had already been killed
and lay dead about the floor。 The survivors； however； were enjoying
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themselves immensely； and of all that gay group he was the gayest。
At the moment chosen by the artist； he had just succeeded in cracking
the bridegroom's skull。
〃We must see this；〃 said we to ourselves。 〃This is good。〃 And we
had a bob's worth。
But he did not do any of the things that we have mentioned； after all
at least； we mean we did not see him do any of them。 It seems he did
them 〃off；〃 and then came on and told his mother all about it afterward。
He told it very well； but somehow or other we were disappointed。
We had so reckoned on that fight。
By the bye； we have noticed； even among the characters of real life； a
tendency to perform most of their wonderful feats 〃off。〃
It has been our privilege since then to gaze upon many posters on
which have been delineated strange and moving stage events。
We have seen the hero holding the villain up high above his head； and
throwing him about that carelessly that we have felt afraid he would break
something with him。
We have seen a heroine leaping from the roof of a house on one side of
the street and being caught by the comic man standing on the roof of a
house on the other side of the street and thinking nothing of it。
We have seen railway trains rushing into each other at the rate of sixty
miles an hour。 We have seen houses blown up by dynamite two hundred
feet into the air。 We have seen the defeat of the Spanish Armada； the
destruction of Pompeii； and the return of the British army from Egypt in
one 〃set〃 each。
Such incidents as earthquakes； wrecks in mid…ocean； revolutions and
battles we take no note of； they being commonplace and ordinary。
But we do not go inside to see these things now。 We have two looks
at the poster instead； it is more satisfying。
The Irishman； to return to our friend； is very fond of whiskythe stage
Irishman； we mean。 Whisky is forever in his thoughtsand often in other
places belonging to him； besides。
The fashion in dress among stage Irishmen is rather picturesque than
neat。 Tailors must have a hard time of it in stage Ireland。
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STAGE…LAND。
The stage Irishman has also an original taste in hats。 He always
wears a hat without a crown； whether to keep his head cool or with any
political significance we cannot say。
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THE DETECTIVE。
Ah！ he is a cute one； he is。 Possibly in real life he would not be
deemed anything extraordinary； but by contrast with the average of stage
men and women； any one who is not a born fool naturally appears
somewhat Machiavellian。
He is the only man in the play who does not swallow all the villain
tells him and believe it； and come up with his mouth open for more。 He is
the only man who can see through the disguise of an overcoat and a new
hat。
There is something very wonderful about the disguising power of
cloaks and hats upon the stage。 This comes from the habit people on the
stage have of recognizing their friends； not by their faces and voices； but
by their cloaks and hats。
A married man on the stage knows his wife； because he knows she
wears a blue ulster and a red bonnet。 The moment she leaves off that
blue ulster and red bonnet he is lost and does not know where she is。
She puts on a yellow cloak and a green hat； and coming in at another
door says she is a lady from the country； and does he want a housekeeper？
Having lost his beloved wife； and feeling that there is no one now to
keep the children quiet； he engages her。 She puzzles him a good deal；
this new housekeeper。 There is something about her that strangely
reminds him of his darling Nellmaybe her boots and dress； which she has
not had time to change。
Sadly the slow acts pass away until one day； as it is getting near
closing…time； she puts on the blue ulster and the red bonnet again and
comes in at the old original door。
Then he recognizes her and asks her where she has been all these cruel
years。
Even the bad people； who as a rule do possess a little senseindeed；
they are the only persons in the play who ever pretend to anyare
deceived by singularly thin disguises。
The detective comes in to their secret councils； with his hat drawn
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down over his eyes； and followed by the hero speaking in a squeaky voice；
and the villains mistake them for members of the band and tell them all
their plans。
If the villains can't get themselves found out that way； then they go
into a public tea…garden and recount their crimes to one another in a loud
tone of voice。
The