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and they come round and nag him （we should think that the villain must
grow to positively dislike the comic man before the piece is over）。
Notwithstanding all this he still hankers after her and swears she shall
be his。 He is not a bad…looking fellow； and from what we know of the
market； we should say there are plenty of other girls who would jump at
him； yet for the sake of settling down with this dismal young female as his
wife； he is prepared to go through a laborious and exhaustive course of
crime and to be bullied and insulted by every one he meets。 His love
sustains him under it all。 He robs and forges； and cheats； and lies； and
murders； and arsons。 If there were any other crimes he could commit to
win her affection； he would； for her sweet sake； commit them cheerfully。
But he doesn't know any othersat all events； he is not well up in any
othersand she still does not care for him； and what is he to do？
It is very unfortunate for both of them。 It is evident to the merest
spectator that the lady's life would be much happier if the villain did not
love her quite so much； and as for him； his career might be calmer and less
criminal but for his deep devotion to her。
You see； it is having met her in early life that is the cause of all the
trouble。 He first saw her when she was a child； and he loved her； 〃ay；
even then。〃 Ah； and he would have workedslaved for her； and have
made her rich and happy。 He might perhaps even have been a good man。
She tries to soothe him。 She says she loathed him with an
unspeakable horror from the first moment that her eyes met his revolting
form。 She says she saw a hideous toad once in a nasty pond； and she says
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that rather would she take that noisome reptile and clasp its slimy bosom
to her own than tolerate one instant's touch from his （the villain's） arms。
This sweet prattle of hers； however； only charms him all the more。
He says he will win her yet。
Nor does the villain seem much happier in his less serious love
episodes。 After he has indulged in a little badinage of the above
character with his real lady…love； the heroine； he will occasionally try a
little light flirtation passage with her maid or lady friend。
The maid or friend does not waste time in simile or in metaphor。 She
calls him a black…hearted scoundrel and clumps him over the head。
Of recent years it has been attempted to cheer the stage villain's
loveless life by making the village clergyman's daughter gone on him。 But
it is generally about ten years ago when even she loved him； and her love
has turned to hate by the time the play opens； so that on the whole his lot
can hardly be said to have been much improved in this direction。
Not but what it must be confessed that her change of feeling is； under
the circumstances； only natural。 He took her away from her happy；
peaceful home when she was very young and brought her up to this
wicked overgrown London。 He did not marry her。 There is no earthly
reason why he should not have married her。 She must have been a fine
girl at that time （and she is a good…looking woman as it is； with dash and
go about her）； and any other man would have settled down cozily with her
and have led a simple； blameless life。
But the stage villain is built cussed。
He ill…uses this female most shockinglynot for any cause or motive
whatever； indeed； his own practical interests should prompt him to treat
her well and keep friends with herbut from the natural cussedness to
which we have just alluded。 When he speaks to her he seizes her by the
wrist and breathes what he's got to say into her ear； and it tickles and
revolts her。
The only thing in which he is good to her is in the matter of dress。 He
does not stint her in dress。
The stage villain is superior to the villain of real life。 The villain of
real life is actuated by mere sordid and selfish motives。 The stage villain
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does villainy； not for any personal advantage to himself； but merely from
the love of the thing as an art。 Villainy is to him its own reward； he
revels in it。
〃Better far be poor and villainous；〃 he says to himself； 〃than possess
all the wealth of the Indies with a clear conscience。 I will be a villain；〃
he cries。 〃I will； at great expense and inconvenience to myself； murder
the good old man； get the hero accused of the crime； and make love to his
wife while he is in prison。 It will be a risky and laborious business for
me from beginning to end； and can bring me no practical advantage
whatever。 The girl will call me insulting names when I pay her a visit；
and will push me violently in the chest when I get near her； her golden…
haired infant will say I am a bad man and may even refuse to kiss me。
The comic man will cover me with humorous opprobrium； and the
villagers will get a day off and hang about the village pub and hoot me。
Everybody will see through my villainy； and I shall be nabbed in the end。
I always am。 But it is no matter； I will be a villainha！ ha！〃
On the whole； the stage villain appears to us to be a rather badly used
individual。 He never has any 〃estates〃 or property himself； and his only
chance of getting on in the world is to sneak the hero's。 He has an
affectionate disposition； and never having any wife of his own he is
compelled to love other people's； but his affection is ever unrequited； and
everything comes wrong for him in the end。
Our advice to stage villains generally； after careful observation of
（stage） life and （stage） human nature； is as follows：
Never be a stage villain at all if you can help it。 The life is too
harassing and the remuneration altogether disproportionate to the risks and
labor。
If you have run away with the clergyman's daughter and she still clings
to you； do not throw her down in the center of the stage and call her names。
It only irritates her； and she takes a dislike to you and goes and warns the
other girl。
Don't have too many accomplices； and if you have got them； don't
keep sneering at them and bullying them。 A word from them can hang
you； and yet you do all you can to rile them。 Treat them civilly and let
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them have their fair share of the swag。
Beware of the comic man。 When you are committing a murder or
robbing a safe you never look to see where the comic man is。 You are so
careless in that way。 On the whole； it might be as well if you murdered
the comic man early in the play。
Don't make love to the hero's wife。 She doesn't like you； how can
you expect her to？ Besides； it isn't proper。 Why don't you get a girl of