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you expect her to？ Besides； it isn't proper。 Why don't you get a girl of
your own？
Lastly； don't go down to the scenes of your crimes in the last act。 You
always will do this。 We suppose it is some extra cheap excursion down
there that attracts you。 But take our advice and don't go。 That is always
where you get nabbed。 The police know your habits from experience。
They do not trouble to look for you。 They go down in the last act to the
old hall or the ruined mill where you did the deed and wait for you。
In nine cases out of ten you would get off scot…free but for this idiotic
custom of yours。 Do keep away from the place。 Go abroad or to the
sea…side when the last act begins and stop there till it is over。 You will be
safe then。
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STAGE…LAND。
THE HEROINE。
She is always in troubleand don't she let you know it； too！ Her life
is undeniably a hard one。 Nothing goes right with her。 We all have our
troubles； but the stage heroine never has anything else。 If she only got
one afternoon a week off from trouble or had her Sundays free it would be
something。
But no； misfortune stalks beside her from week's beginning to week's
end。
After her husband has been found guilty of murder； which is about the
least thing that can ever happen to him； and her white…haired father has
become a bankrupt and has died of a broken heart； and the home of her
childhood has been sold up； then her infant goes and contracts a lingering
fever。
She weeps a good deal during the course of her troubles； which we
suppose is only natural enough； poor woman。 But it is depressing from
the point of view of the audience； and we almost wish before the evening
is out that she had not got quite so much trouble。
It is over the child that she does most of her weeping。 The child has a
damp time of it altogether。 We sometimes wonder that it never catches
rheumatism。
She is very good； is the stage heroine。 The comic man expresses a
belief that she is a born angel。 She reproves him for this with a tearful
smile （it wouldn't be her smile if it wasn't tearful）。
〃Oh； no；〃 she says （sadly of course）； 〃I have many； many faults。〃
We rather wish that she would show them a little more。 Her
excessive goodness seems somehow to pall upon us。 Our only
consolation while watching her is that there are not many good women off
the stage。 Life is bad enough as it is； if there were many women in real life
as good as the stage heroine； it would be unbearable。
The stage heroine's only pleasure in life is to go out in a snow…storm
without an umbrella and with no bonnet on。 She has a bonnet； we know
（rather a tasteful little thing）； we have seen it hanging up behind the door
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STAGE…LAND。
of her room； but when she comes out for a night stroll during a heavy
snow…storm （accompanied by thunder）； she is most careful to leave it at
home。 Maybe she fears the snow will spoil it； and she is a careful girl。
She always brings her child out with her on these occasions。 She
seems to think that it will freshen it up。 The child does not appreciate the
snow as much as she does。 He says it's cold。
One thing that must irritate the stage heroine very much on these
occasions is the way in which the snow seems to lie in wait for her and
follow her about。 It is quite a fine night before she comes on the scene：
the moment she appears it begins to snow。 It snows heavily all the while
she remains about； and the instant she goes it clears up again and keeps
dry for the rest of the evening。
The way the snow 〃goes〃 for that poor woman is most unfair。 It
always snows much heavier in the particular spot where she is sitting than
it does anywhere else in the whole street。 Why； we have sometimes seen
a heroine sitting in the midst of a blinding snow…storm while the other side
of the road was as dry as a bone。 And it never seemed to occur to her to
cross over。
We have even known a more than unusually malignant snow…storm to
follow a heroine three times round the stage and then go off （R。） with her。
Of course you can't get away from a snow…storm like that！ A stage
snow…storm is the kind of snow…storm that would follow you upstairs and
want to come into bed with you。
Another curious thing about these stage snow…storms is that the moon
is always shining brightly through the whole of them。 And it shines only
on the heroine； and it follows her about just like the snow does。
Nobody fully understands what a wonderful work of nature the moon
is except people acquainted with the stage。 Astronomy teaches you
something about the moon； but you learn a good deal more from a few
visits to a theater。 You will find from the latter that the moon only shines
on heroes and heroines； with perhaps an occasional beam on the comic
man： it always goes out when it sees the villain coming。
It is surprising； too； how quickly the moon can go out on the stage。 At
one moment it is riding in full radiance in the midst of a cloudless sky； and
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STAGE…LAND。
the next instant it is gone！ Just as though it had been turned off at a
meter。 It makes you quite giddy at first until you get used to it。
The stage heroine is inclined to thoughtfulness rather than gayety。
In her cheerful moments the stage heroine thinks she sees the spirit of
her mother； or the ghost of her father； or she dreams of her dead baby。
But this is only in her very merry moods。 As a rule； she is too much
occupied with weeping to have time for frivolous reflections。
She has a great flow of language and a wonderful gift of metaphor and
similemore forcible than elegantand this might be rather trying in a
wife under ordinary circumstances。 But as the hero is generally
sentenced to ten years' penal servitude on his wedding…morn； he escapes
for a period from a danger that might well appall a less fortunate
bridegroom。
Sometimes the stage heroine has a brother； and if so he is sure to be
mistaken for her lover。 We never came across a brother and sister in real
life who ever gave the most suspicious person any grounds for mistaking
them for lovers； but the stage brother and sister are so affectionate that the
error is excusable。
And when the mistake does occur and the husband comes in suddenly
and finds them kissing and raves she doesn't turn round and say：
〃Why； you silly cuckoo； it's only my brother。〃
That would be simple and sensible； and would not suit the stage
heroine at all。 No； she does all in her power to make everybody believe
it is true； so that she can suffer in silence。
She does so love to suffer。
Marriage is undoubtedly a failure in the case of the stage heroine。
If the stage heroine were well advised she would remain single。 He